When unsettling behaviors surfaced in my relationship, I initially questioned myself, wondering if my mental health conditions were amplifying my sensitivity. Was I overreacting due to anxiety? Shouldn’t I be able to push through depression and maintain a positive facade?
These were the doubts my partner subtly instilled in me.
It wasn’t until the relationship’s end that the stark reality hit: my Bipolar Type II wasn’t the root issue. The real problem was a toxic partner who hindered my well-being and actively prevented me from maintaining my mental balance.
Initially, I dismissed many red flags as mere perceptions, influenced by my mental state. Like many, I lacked awareness of the subtle yet dangerous signs of an unhealthy relationship. I later learned a crucial lesson: that persistent unease in a relationship often signals genuine underlying issues.
If the thought of expressing your needs to your partner triggers discomfort, as it once did for me, then the mistreatment you’re experiencing is likely not a figment of your mental health struggles. It’s not “just in your head.”
It’s highly probable you’re dealing with a toxic partner. But how can you be certain?
Distinguishing between perceived mistreatment and genuine toxicity can be challenging, especially for those navigating mental health conditions. Yet, it’s a crucial skill to develop. Understanding the hallmarks of unhealthy relationships is the first step towards clarity and empowerment.
Intense Beginnings Can Signal Unhealthy Dynamics
alt=Couple moving in together quickly, symbolizing intense early relationship behavior
Unhealthy relationships can often disguise themselves in the guise of whirlwind romances. It starts subtly, like a loose thread on a sweater – seemingly insignificant at first, but capable of unraveling the entire fabric. In my own experience with an unhealthy relationship, my partner and I were practically cohabitating within the first week.
I was oblivious to the fact that such intensity so early on was a major red flag. Grappling with my mental health, I mistakenly believed that prioritizing my partner’s happiness would somehow rectify my perceived flaws. I was profoundly wrong.
When our mental well-being is compromised, we naturally seek stability. While rushing into a relationship might offer a temporary sense of security, it’s ultimately unsustainable. Dr. Alexandra Hamlet, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, emphasizes the importance of establishing ground rules early in a relationship. Setting boundaries ensures that the relationship progresses at a comfortable pace for both individuals.
Dr. Hamlet further advises, “Describing what you need, especially when it comes to mental health, helps you get on the same page with your partner.” This open communication is foundational to a healthy dynamic, allowing both partners to express their comfort levels and expectations. Let your partners know what behaviors you like and what pace feels right for you from the beginning. This sets a precedent for respectful and considerate interaction.
Isolation: A Tactic in Unhealthy Relationships
alt=Isolated person looking out window, representing relationship isolation
I’ve always been a highly social person, known for my ability to connect with others easily. My friends often joke that I can make new friends effortlessly. I genuinely thrive on social interaction and connection.
My ex-partner recognized this aspect of my personality and strategically aimed to sever my ties with my social network, fostering complete dependence on them. While my social life visibly dwindled, I would consistently invent excuses to my friends, prioritizing time with my partner instead of social outings.
Isolation is a cornerstone of unhealthy relationships, enabling the continuation of negative patterns. Recognizing this isolation is the crucial first step toward breaking free. Dr. Hamlet points out a key indicator: “If you’re starting to censor things with certain people who you know are usually helpful and compassionate, then you really know you’re in an unhealthy situation. Try to notice those changes in your own behavior.” Healthy relationships encourage and respect your connections with friends and family. Let your partners know what behaviors you like, such as them supporting your social life and respecting your friendships.
RELATED: What Emotional Abuse Really Means
Manipulation: Controlling Your Actions and Feelings
alt=Hands manipulating puppet strings, depicting manipulative relationship dynamics
Manipulation involves unfairly influencing or controlling someone’s actions and emotions for personal gain. While this definition might seem mild, manipulative behavior is far from benign. Dr. Hamlet explains, “In an unhealthy relationship, you may notice power imbalances build, or feel like everything depends on keeping your partner happy by putting your own feelings on the backburner. Oftentimes, in an unhealthy relationship, one party uses strategies to achieve their own goals and needs and those tactics are often ineffective at maintaining a healthy, stable union.”
When you’re already feeling vulnerable due to mental health concerns, it becomes easier to relinquish your power and prioritize your partner’s happiness, as was my experience. Dr. Hamlet adds, “You might start to think, ‘well who would want to be with me? Maybe I’m not good enough. There’s something wrong with me’ and start to expect and even welcome poor treatment.” In healthy relationships, there is mutual respect and an equal distribution of power. Let your partners know what behaviors you like, such as them valuing your opinions and decisions and respecting your autonomy.
RELATED: 5 Sneaky Behaviors That Are Actually Unhealthy
Relationship Trouble: Is it Your Partner or Your Mental Health Condition? Here’s How to know the difference Learn 5
Navigating depression while trying to decipher my partner’s behavior made it challenging to discern the true source of the problems. Early on, my partner learned about my profession as a therapist and my involvement in charity work, leading them to assume two things: my empathetic nature and my access to resources.
The first instance of financial manipulation involved an hour-long performance of reluctance when my partner asked to borrow money. However, this quickly escalated to requests for rent and child support payments. To distract me from these alarming red flags, they showered me with praise and declared me the only person who genuinely cared for them. This fabricated validation temporarily masked the underlying issues, appealing to my emotional vulnerabilities during depression.
Reflecting on these manipulative patterns now solidifies my understanding that my toxic partner, who skillfully exploited my empathy, was the core problem, not my mental health. Healthy partnerships are built on honesty and transparency, not calculated exploitation. Let your partners know what behaviors you like, such as open communication about finances and mutual respect for each other’s resources.
Gaslighting: Undermining Your Reality
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Ironically, I was pursuing my second master’s degree in counseling while dating my unhealthy partner, yet I remained oblivious to the daily gaslighting I was experiencing.
When I attempted to address issues that bothered me, such as disrespectful comments made in front of friends, I would often end up feeling guilty for even bringing them up. Doubt would creep in: “Maybe it wasn’t that bad… maybe I was being overly sensitive.” This constant self-doubt was precisely what my partner aimed to achieve.
Gaslighting is an emotional abuse tactic used by toxic partners to make you question your own sanity and perceptions. If you’re being gaslighted, you might frequently dismiss your discomfort, thinking “maybe I’m just overreacting.” You might also find yourself apologizing for things that are not your fault. In contrast, healthy relationships validate your feelings and experiences. Let your partners know what behaviors you like, such as them listening to your concerns and acknowledging your perspective without dismissing or minimizing it.
RELATED: What I Wish I Had Known About Gaslighting Before It Happened To Me
Belittling: Eroding Your Self-Esteem
alt=Person shrinking under critical gaze, representing belittling in relationships
My partner was adept at belittling me, a behavior that intensified after they learned about my anxiety and depression. They would make disparaging remarks like, “You’re acting crazy again,” and “You’re being way too much right now,” making me feel like I needed to minimize myself and suppress my struggles.
Subconsciously, I began to internalize their criticisms and agree with their put-downs. “Everyone else can deal with their problems,” my partner would say – so why couldn’t I? This toxic pattern led me to stop taking my medication and discontinue therapy, prioritizing their distorted view over my own well-being.
Unlike overt displays of anger, belittling often occurs in private. Unchallenged, it can severely damage your self-esteem, amplifying any pre-existing self-criticism. Keeping a record of specific belittling comments, even screenshots of text messages, helped me recognize the pattern of devaluation in my relationship. This awareness was crucial in empowering me to eventually leave. Healthy relationships foster mutual respect and build you up, not tear you down. Let your partners know what behaviors you like, such as them offering encouragement and speaking to you with kindness and respect, even during disagreements.
RELATED: 11 Common Patterns of Verbal Abuse
Volatility: Living on Edge
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Remember the anxiety of playing with a Jack-in-the-Box? The anticipation of the sudden pop, creating a sense of unease as tension builds. This kind of tension is acceptable in a game, but not in a relationship where your partner is the source of that unpredictable anxiety.
During a mild anxiety attack while driving in heavy traffic, triggered by a low fuel light, my partner erupted in anger. They dismissed my anxiety as “this anxiety stuff again!” and launched into a tirade about my perceived inability to “hold it together.”
I never knew what might trigger their outbursts, but my “anxiety stuff” seemed to be a consistent trigger. I tried to empathize, believing I was a burden and needed to make their life easier. Dr. Hamlet cautions, “It can become easy to justify emotional abuse by thinking ‘This isn’t that bad because my partner doesn’t even realize they are hurting me, and I need to have patience,’ even though you’re the one being hurt in the process.” However, if your mental health condition triggers anger in your partner, the issue lies with them, not you. A healthy relationship should never force you to walk on eggshells or hide aspects of your well-being. Let your partners know what behaviors you like, such as patience, understanding, and support when you are experiencing anxiety or other mental health challenges.
Seek External Support for Clarity
Relationship Trouble: Is it Your Partner or Your Mental Health Condition? Here’s How to know the difference Learn 9
Having been in an unhealthy relationship for an extended period, I sometimes require external perspectives to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors. Objective individuals, like therapists or counselors, are invaluable. While I cherish my friends, their advice was easily dismissed during my denial phase. Dr. Hamlet notes, “With friends, if you genuinely want to be in a relationship even though you know it’s not a good thing, it may be really easy for you to discount their opinions by thinking, ‘well they don’t understand, and they never liked him anyway.’” However, “reaching out to a mental health professional can make it harder to contest. It’s harder to go to ‘well, my therapist is just crazy,’” she concludes.
I wish I had recognized the signs of an unhealthy relationship earlier and acted decisively. However, it’s rarely that simple. Even if you need to seek guidance from a therapist or trusted friend, remember that you possess the inherent capacity to discern whether your partner or your mental health is the source of unease in your relationship. Trust your instincts, and don’t hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Building healthy relationships involves open communication and letting your partners know what behaviors you like and need to feel safe, respected, and valued.
